Your First Plane Trip (the return)

Oh Laney,

On the way down to Florida, you were a dream. You slept almost the whole way, and when you weren't sleeping, you were smiling at strangers.

But on the way home. Lord, on the way home...

You cried. You hollered. You wiggled. You fussed. And 45 minutes before we landed, right after the "Fasten Seat Belts" light came on, you pooped.

If you ever question how much I love you, remember that I once held you in my arms for almost an hour after you pooped on me.

Love,

Mom

The Gordita

Dear Laney,

We hit the outlet mall today, which made your grandmother happy, and made your dad miserable. You know how he hates crowds, retail stores that aren't REI and any temperature above 50 degrees, so for him, an outlet mall in south Florida is the perfect storm.

While I was strolling you around the mall, the Latinas kept pointing to you in your stroller and using the Spanish word "gordita." I didn't know what it meant, so I called Amy. Amy said that "gordita" means really really chubby.

I think that's mean. You're NOT gordita. You're just gordita-ISH.

Love,

Mom

Four Generations of Squinty-Eyed Short Women

Dear Laney,

One of the things I was most excited about for your first Christmas was introducing you to your great-aunt Robyn.

I was named for Robyn and we have a lot of things in common: We have the same toes. Our purses and our cars are always a mess. We both like to hang out at home with our dogs and usually hate to talk on the phone.

But Robyn has some other great qualities that I don't always have - she's patient and helpful and beautiful and almost never says ugly things about people, even when they probably deserve it.

So...if you wanted to take after your great aunt, that'd be super.

Love,

Mom

P.S. If you're going to be photogenic, it's going to have to come from your Dad's side of the family.

Wish They All Could Be Alberton Girls

Dear Laney,

We're spending your first Christmas in Florida with your grandparents, your great-grandmother and your great-aunt Robyn. I think you like it here, because the weather allows you to be pants-optional, and we all know how you feel about going pantsless.

Santa found you all the way down in Miramar, so you must have been good this year. Then again, you only had to be good for four months.

Love,

Mom

Santa's Grumpiest Elf

Dear Laney,

I took you to the mall today to have your picture taken with Santa Claus. We got there 20 minutes early so we would be the first people in line, and you would still be in a good mood when it came time for your photo.

While we were waiting, you started making that sound you love to make...the one that sounds like "EEEEEEEEEE!" There was a 4 year old boy in line behind us, and he thought it would be funny to make that sound back to you. For 20 whole minutes, all of us in line had to listen to:

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

Then, it was the big moment: time for you to meet Santa. And all of a sudden, your good mood disappeared and you were READY TO GO HOME. NOW.

Dad and I love this picture, because you look like an elf in Santa's workshop who's about to go on strike. Oh well, we'll try again next year.

Love,

Mom

You're On The Chart!

Dear Laney,

When we took you to your 2-month Dr.'s appointment, we learned that you were in the 75th percentile for height, and your weight was "off the charts." Today, we took you for your 4-month appointment. You got a few more shots (both of us cried less than we did last time - yay, us!) Then, Dr Hoover told us that you're in the 90th percentile for height and in the 99th for weight. Granny Jack pointed out that at least you're on the chart.

Now, stop trying to eat wrapping paper, and we'll really start making progress.

Love,

Mom

The Great Outdoors

Dear Laney,

You went on a hike with Dad today. I tried not to laugh for the whole fifteen minutes it took Dad to get you into this snowsuit. You looked like the little boy in the movie "The Christmas Story" who falls down in the snow and can't get up because he's wearing too many clothes.

You didn't look like much of a rugged mountain woman with that pacifier in your mouth. Also - you slept through the whole thing.

...But maybe I would enjoy nature a lot more, too, if someone would just haul me around while I nap.

Love,

Mom

Laney's Rules

Dear Laney,

It's your world, we're just living in it.

So far, you have taught us the following rules and preferences:

1. Always the green pacifier. Sometimes the clear pacifiers. NEVER the purple pacifier.

2. When you're stressed, you prefer to nap on your side.

3. You do NOT like to be held facing in to the person who's holding you, UNLESS that person produces a boob.

4. Being two minutes late to feed you is okay. Being three minutes late IS NOT.

5. You like your bottles really warm. No, warmer than that. A little warmer. NO! THAT'S TOO WARM.

6. You cover your eyes when the light is too bright. Your pediatrician actually lowers the light when she checks on you, because you let her know what you thought about her bright office.

7. Cutting your toenails? Fine. Cutting your fingernails? THE END OF THE WORLD.

8. Blankets covering your legs are unacceptable. As God is your witness, you refuse to keep a blanket over your legs. If we drape one over you, you become a mini Rockette until that thing is gone.

9. Gus can lick your feet, but NO ONE can touch the back of your neck.

10. When you're unhappy, we can make it better by singing "I Will Survive" or "King of the Road," but bouncing you on our knee makes a bad situation worse. Much worse.

I'm sure that over the years, you will teach us eight million more of these. Be patient with us - sometimes it takes us a while to catch on. We're trying to keep up, but we're old.

Be gentle.

Love,

Mom

Your First Christmas Present

Dear Laney,

Your Grandma Sue gave you your first Christmas present this morning, and to me, this is what it looks like you're thinking in these pictures:

1. "Wow, I got a present!"

2. "What's a present?"

3. "Where's the gift receipt?"

The gift turned out to be an awesome teething ring made out of little bug-shaped rubber beads. I know you love it, because you've already slobbered all over it. That's how you show your love for things: with drool. You and Gus have that in common.

Love,

Mom

Thanks, Grandma Sue

Dear Laney,

I had a lot of work to do this week, so your Grandma came over from Spokane so you would have someone to play with. The two of you read books and watched "The West Wing" and sang songs and learned how to catalog shop - all very important things.

She also brought over a big tin of the BEST COOKIES EVER. I have eaten five of them today. So, if your mom weighs 400 pounds when you read this, it's your grandmother's fault.

Love,

Mom

Shopping Is Exhausting

Dear Laney,

For the first few months of your life, I was scared to take you anywhere. I was worried that you would become unhappy in the middle of an errand and cause a scene. One thing about you, Laney: when you're unhappy, you LET PEOPLE KNOW.

But now, you've become a lot more reasonable. You seem to like shopping, or at least getting out and seeing new things and new people. And when all else fails, you're happy to go to sleep.

As Granny Jack would say, "Thank you for being flexible and cooperative."

Love,

Mom

P.S. Pay no attention to the beer in the cart. It's certainly not there because you never let us sleep and Mama needs to take the edge off. No way.

Here's The Thing About Peg Peg

Dear Laney,

If finding a bargain was an Olympic event, your grandmother would take home the Gold. She thinks about you every time she goes shopping. I know this, because every week, a new box of clothes and goodies arrives at our mailbox.

If nothing else, you are the best-dressed baby in Alberton.

But here's the thing: Your grandmother loves you very much, and she's a sucker. If I tell her you could use a pair of brown pants, she sends six.

Try not to use this power for Evil.

Love,

Mom

He Who Shall Be Named Later

Dear Laney,

Your grandfather Philip from Georgia came to visit us this Thanksgiving. He doesn't like mountains or snow, so you must be pretty special.

He put your stroller together and wheeled you around the grocery store while I shopped. And after Thanksgiving dinner, he let you be on our Trivial Pursuit team, even though you obviously don't know anything about Geography or Science and Nature yet.

It's interesting how you can know your parents your whole life, but when they become grandparents, you see them in a whole new way. It's so nice to get to sit back and watch everyone fall in love with you.

Philip says that he doesn't want to be called Grandpa, so you'll have to come up with a great name for him when you get a little older. I'm sure you'll think of something great that doesn't make him sound too old.

Love,

Mom

You and Your Fingers

Dear Laney,

For the longest time, you had this love/hate relationship with your fingers. Sometimes, you would manage to accidentally get one of your fingers in your mouth and you would be SO HAPPY - it was like someone had given you the BEST TREAT EVER. But then your arm would jerk, and your fingers would go flying away from your mouth and you would be VERY VERY ANGRY.

We all thought it would be a wonderful day when you learned that YOU are the one in control of those fingers, and you can have them any time you want.

Well, it finally happened. You figured out that you are in charge of your hands, and you're taking advantage of it. You've taste-tested all of your fingers, and so far, it seems like you like your index fingers the best.

We're happy for you.

Love,

Mom

The Tantrum Stops Here

I don't want to cuddled.

Don't want to be held.

Don't like to be looked at, talked to

or smelled.

Don't want to sing songs

Don't want to play

I'm just mad as hell

Someone's ruined my day.

My face is bright red

My screaming? Full throttle!

No, I DON'T want a back rub

a boob or a bottle.

I put on a show

the whole house - my stage

I'm quite the performer:

16 Pounds Of Rage!

Mom looks like hell

Daddy's gone for a beer

So I guess for today...

The tantrum stops here.

Short People Got Nobody

Dear Laney,

There's a song by Randy Newman called "Short People," that goes:

They got little baby legs
That stand so low
You got to pick em up
Just to say hello
They got little cars
That go beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin' peep, peep, peep

I thought about it the first time I put you in your Jumperoo, and had to put a pillow under your feet so you could touch the ground.

I am very sorry you will never play in the WNBA. Blame your dad.

Love,

Mom

Two Months and Counting!

Dear Laney,

That's a picture of your doctor, Rebecca Hoover. We love her. We like the way she calls you "kiddo" and always tells you how adorable you are.

We took you in for your two month appointment today, and we learned that you're in the 75th percentile for height and "off the charts" for weight. You weighed in at a robust 15 pounds, 2 ounces. Hoover says that in addition to being adorable, you seems like the perfect baby - in great health with a great disposition. We were all on cloud nine.

Then, it came time for the shots.

Two nurses came in so they could each give you two shots in each leg. I held your hand and cried. Then you cried. Your dad didn't know which one of us to console first. Then, you calmed down and quit crying, but I cried all the way to the car. Okay, I cried all the way to Walgreen's where I bought some infant Tylenol in case the you needed it later.

This motherhood thing is rough.

Love,

Mom

Happy Birthday to Mom

Dear Laney,

For my birthday, your dad and I went to see one of my favorite writers - David Sedaris - do a reading at the Wilma. You went over to Nate and Brynn's house to play. I didn't cry at all this time when I told you good-bye, so I'm really growing up.

They were excellent babysitters - Nate says you curled up on the couch and watched movies and barely fussed.

Good job, Laney! Good job, Nate & Brynn!

Love,
Mom

Underestimating My Heart

Dear Laney,

When you decide to become a parent, you think you have a pretty good idea how much you're going to love your baby. And then, you meet your baby, and the love you have for her is so much bigger and stronger and deeper than you could have thought possible.

Sometimes, I look at you and I love you so much that I feel like my heart is walking around outside my body.

Love,

Mom

Meeting Granny Jack

Dear Laney,

I love you to death, but there were times in your first few months of life that you were more than two college-educated grown-ups could handle. When I needed a little extra help, I called your great grandmother and she hopped on a plane and high-tailed it to Missoula.

She played with you and helped you practice crawling and rolling over. And she cleaned our house and made us a freezer full of soup that your Dad and I lived on for months.

I remember when I was little, Granny Jack and I had a great time together. We colored and played "Let's Pretend" and one time I even remember us chasing each other around her backyard with water guns. She was one of the best parts of my childhood, and I know she'll be a highlight of yours, too.

By the way, here's a tip: If you ever want her to buy you something, tell her you need it "to get organized." She's been falling for that for ...oh... 33 years now.

Love,

Mom

Grandma Sue Gets Hitched!

Dear Laney,

Today, you attended the wedding of your Grandma Sue to Erik. It was a beautiful day, which you can't vouch for because you slept through almost all of it. I wore you in your pink wrap and carried you around as your dad and I put together the flowers and set the tables. You were a good sport.

We sat in the front row as they exchanged their vows. It was a heartwarming moment, and then...well, there's no way around it...you pooped. You were making sounds from inside that wrap like EEEERRRRRR and UUUUUUUUUHHHH and your dad and I kept looking around to see if anyone else was hearing it.

At the party, a nice lady friend of Erik's asked to hold you, and your Dad stood five feet away from her like he was your Secret Service agent. You're still so new and precious to us.

Love,

Mom

Your First Babysitters

Dear Laney,

For our first wedding anniversary, your dad and I decided that we were going to go out to dinner in Spokane. Your grandma Sue and great aunt Nancy (that's her standing next to your dad) said that they would love to play with you while we went to dinner.

I handed you over to your grandma, and I started crying...we hadn't been apart at all since you were born, and I felt so bad leaving you behind, even though it was only for two hours. I cried almost all the way to the restaurant - I felt like I had left an arm or a leg behind.

I think you and Sue and Nancy had a great time - Nancy already knew about your favorite book (TEN IN A BED) and they took turns holding you.

Your dad and I had a great dinner, but mostly we talked about you. I'm sure there will be thousands of times in the future that we go our different ways, but I think I'll always remember that first time as the hardest.

Love,

Mom

Meeting Peg Peg and Tex

Dear Laney,

Your grandparents Peg Peg and Tex came to visit this week. We weren't planning on seeing them 'til Christmas, but your grandmother saw your pictures and decided she had to get her hands on you.

Your grandmother picked you up at the airport and didn't set you down the whole time she was here. From the pictures, it looks like Tex got to hold you once, but I can only assume it's because Peg Peg had to go to the bathroom. I'm sure he didn't get a very long turn.

I have a feeling you're really going to help your Florida grandparents rack up some frequent flier miles.

Love,

Mom

Your Missouri Grandparents

Dear Laney,

When you were two weeks old, we had a visit from your grandparents Joe and CC - they came all the way from Missouri to see you.

They had a great time holding you and feeding you and hanging out with you, and while they were here, they bought you a SWING. Yes, the great love of your life, the swing. It has six speed settings, from "barely moving" to "baby catapult," and you can set it to play the worst noise I've ever heard and you LOVE IT. Sometimes, I put your swing in the kitchen while I'm cooking, and I pretend to be Paula Deen. You seem to like this - it's like you have your own personal Food Network. That swing was the greatest baby gift EVER.

Anyway, back to Joe and CC...

While they were here, your grandpa Joe helped your dad build his wood shop. Nate came over and helped with the roof, and it was really impressive seeing three Burbach boys tackle a project together. Your grandma CC held you so I could take a much-needed shower. The only person we were missing was your uncle Joey, but he's away at college doing whatever boys do when they're in a fraternity.

I put you in a dress one day while they were here, and I said "You must be the prettiest baby in Alberton." And your grandpa Joe said "NO! She's the prettiest baby in THE WORLD." So there you have it - it's official.

Love,

Mom

The Hottest Spot In Town

Dear Laney,

I don't remember much about your first week at home, because your dad and I were so tired. I mean TIRED. You didn't sleep more than a few hours at a time, and then when you WERE sleeping, I was so nervous that I had to keep checking on you. I was worried that you might be too hot, or too cold, and I kept touching you to be sure you were breathing okay. We all wore our pajamas all week long.

One night, your dad decided tucked you under his arm and you both slept just fine.

Your dad would probably would hate it if he knew I put this picture on the internet, but since he'll never get around to reading this blog, it can be our little secret.

Love,

Mom

Your First Friend

Dear Laney -

My friend Virginia had a baby girl a few weeks before you arrived, and named her Mollie. Virginia and Mollie came to visit us in the hospital, and we took a picture of the two of you hanging out - I hope you grow up to be good friends, and to have more fun than it looks like you're having in this picture.

Love,

Mom

Little Miss Popular

Dear Laney,

It's amazing how many people love you so much already.

Your Aunt Brynn was there to see your birth, and then your Uncle Nate and Grandma Sue got to meet you right away. Everyone thought you were beautiful, and couldn't wait to hold you. They came to visit you every day in the hospital, and your Grandma Sue brought your mom decent food to eat and clean underwear to wear home. Grandma Sue also bought your mom a bathrobe - it's the one your dad loves to wear all the time, even though it's a girls' robe and only comes down to his knees.

Peg Peg and Tex called and sent beautiful flowers and I'm sure they hated that they couldn't be there in person.

You've definitely been surrounded by love your first few days on this Earth, and we aim to keep it that way.

Love,

Mom

You and Your Dad

Dear Laney,

You've only been around for a day, but you and your dad seem to enjoy hanging out together. He says that the two of you will talk when you have something to say to each other, but in the meantime you seem to enjoy staring at each other with serious expressions. I guess you both have a lot to think about.

Love,

Mom

Your First Bath

Dear Laney,

This is a picture of your dad giving you your first bath.

I can't believe you were able to fit into that little pink bucket.

Love,

Mom

Sitting Pretty

Dear Beautiful Girl,

One day, you'll probably hate me for letting other people see these photos.

But in the meantime, we think they're pretty funny.

Love,

Mom

The scariest, longest, HAPPIEST day ever!

Dear Laney,

We woke up on August 24th, and you still weren't here. Our wonderful midwife Jeanne came over and spent the day with us at Nate and Brynn's. We tried everything we could think of to convince you to come out, but you just didn't want to budge. I guess you were happy right where you were.

At 8pm, we decided that we needed to go to the hospital - maybe THEY could talk you into making your grand entrance. We met with Dr Braak, who told us that you might be bigger than we thought you were. We all started making guesses at how big you were going to be. Dr Braak guessed ten pounds. We had the nicest nurses you can imagine, and they helped your mom get ready for surgery. Your Aunt Brynn was there, and since she's a nurse, she got to come with us. We walked down to the operating room to get ready to bring you into the world.

Your dad came in and looked so handsome in his scrubs. He held my hand while I laid on the table. This wasn't at all how we thought your birth would be, but it didn't matter. All that we cared about was that you were safe and healthy and almost here!

But you STILL didn't want to come out. I heard Dr Braak say "Work with me, kid!" Then, at 10:41pm, she lifted you out of me and held you up for me to see. Your face was a little smushed up - you had had a VERY hard day, and you had a full head of VERY dark hair.

The nurses took you over to the scale to be weighed and I heard them say "Oh...my...GOD!" It turns out you were a little over 11 pounds. Then you started to cry and we knew you were going to be okay.

Your dad and I got to hold you for a little while, and I think we were both in shock - we couldn't believe that we were finally parents, and that we were going to be responsible for this little person. Your dad had tears in his eyes, and he just kept whispering "You're so awesome. You're so awesome."

We all slept together in the hospital room - our first night as a family.

Welcome to the world, Baby Girl!

Love,

Mom

August 23 - A Surprise on The Way...

Dear Laney,

Your grandfather Philip told me that he's always had a weird feeling about August 23rd, and every time that date would roll around on the calendar, he would get this sneaking suspicion that something should be happening.

On August 23, 2009, your dad and I went out to dinner at Outback Steakhouse with your Uncle Nate and Aunt Brynn. We were planning on having you at their house, with the help of a midwife. You were supposed to come on August 12th, but you were late, and we were starting to wonder if you were ever going to come out.

After dinner, we stopped by our midwife's office for another check-up, to see if you were any closer to making an appearance. Right there in her office, I went into labor. We drove over to Nate and Brynn's house, ecstatic that we were about to have a baby.

We watched some TV, and then I got on my pajamas and got into bed, but I couldn't sleep because I was so nervous and excited (and because I was having contractions).

But you decided you didn't want to be born on the 23rd, so we'll have to continue this story tomorrow...

Love,

Mom

How To Upset Your Grandmother

Dear Laney,

You were due to arrive on August 12th, but you were growing so fast that we all thought you'd be here any minute. So, Peg Peg and Tex came here on the first of August so they could be sure that they would be here for your birth.

And we all waited...and waited...and waited...but you just weren't ready to come out. We walked a lot every day, thinking that would hurry you up. One afternoon, we went to Macy's and the saleslady said "OOoh, you better not have that baby in here!" And your grandmother said "She can have that baby anywhere she wants! That's why you have housekeeping staff!"

Every time we would drive down the interstate, we would pass a billboard for Community Hospital with a big picture of a newborn baby. Finally, your grandmother said, "I'm so sick of looking at that baby. Where's OUR baby?"

Three weeks passed and your grandmother had no choice but to go home to Florida. She waited as long as she could, but I guess you just weren't ready. I understand that everything happens in its own time, but your grandmother will probably hold this over you forever.

Love,

Mom

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Dear Laney,

Welcome to Babywatch 2009.

Love,
Mom

Yay, Amy!

Dear Laney,

A big highlight from the summer was having my friend Amy come to visit from California. She stayed with us a few days, and we had a great time - we went down to the river, and your dad showed her how to skip rocks. We also learned that with your help, I have become too big to buckle my life jacket. Thanks a lot.

Love,

Mom

Upside down, you turn me

Dear Laney,

All through my pregnancy, you haven't given me one bit of trouble, EXCEPT... It seems you like to hang out upside down. Before it's time for you to get here, we need to find a way to get you turned the right way. Peg Peg says the problem is that you're nosy and you want to hear what everyone else is saying, so you refused to tuck your head.

We read somewhere that if I lie upside down, that we might get you to flip. Your dad built me a ramp, and I would lie with my head hanging down every night, but it didn't work. We tried shining a flashlight on my belly for a little while to show you where you should go. You thought it was cool for about a minute, then you were over it.

Finally, we heard about an ancient Chinese remedy. I ordered some herbs online, and your dad and Amy helped me follow the directions. We were supposed to light the herbs and hold them next to my pinkie toes. We tried it, but all it did was fill our house with funny smelling smoke and give your dad a reason to play "Bob Marley's Greatest Hits." Someday, I will explain to you why this is funny.

Even though we didn't convince you to flip, we all had a great time trying. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard.

Love,

Mom